lucky me, unlucky you

Corporeal nature:
my disguisting me...
why this willing to be invisible but the desire for to be shared with deeply tenderness? now the whole continue scene seems just thorny and full of despair.

It has been time, lots of time, if not all of my life;
those longed careless I have dreamed to enjoy still are just
uneasy and surreal fantasies that I'm afraid only will be that
what a relief! nothing...
what a blind, so many wasted chances, just memories now,
what a fool, so much fear and repression, whats my reward anyway?
what a selfish, am I not for myself? why?
that's me and the nonesense passing time of my mind, brilliant! isn't it?
reality and illusion, I have this name to whisper at the wind when I find myself alone
I have this images, photos, bits of some distant basis or special ocassion
I have conversation, I have words...
I have...
nothing to yell at no one, solitude, solitude
and despite all of this I am happy now.

So... how do you miss something... someone you never owned?
could be just a different kind of view and mindset? dreams?
what's with that letter you never sent? so much to talk about yet
well... even "time" hurts sometimes
lover of deceivings, it's that still my label, oh... the past
what if... I am fooling myself with what I desire?
how can I daydream with that what I am dying for?
and feel such repulsion at the same time.
just shyness, but that's not an excuse
I don't want to be the antithesis of your illusions
but I don't want to say either:
"I wish you farewell".

Now, I'm still not sure about what I lacking of, anyway...
something I'm not wanting to know
those... disguisting... always... me...
my fears and emotional and turmoils, my facade
they won't die alone.